Opinion: It’s not rare as you think for a parent to deny their child’s abuse

The recently released Netflix series and documentary on the Menendez brothers have reignited debate over whether a parent would overlook their child’s abuse at the hands of their spouse.
And just a few months ago, the revelation that the late author Alice Munro stood by her husband after learning he had sexually abused her young daughter sent shockwaves through the literary world and beyond.
But the sad truth is that these sorts of cases are far from unique or even uncommon. Although Munro learned of the abuse in a letter from her daughter years later, even parents who learn right away that an intimate partner is abusing a child sometimes respond to the shock with denial.
A parent faced with the abusive conduct of a partner, family member or friend must confront the unthinkable on multiple levels — harm to their child and the worst possible betrayal committed by someone they perhaps considered to be their life partner, better half or best friend. This requires a Grand Canyon-sized mental leap. Parents should know that initial feelings of confusion, or even shocked disbelief, are not unusual.
But parents should also know that the decisions made in the immediate aftermath of such a revelation will have a lifelong impact. The long-term physical, mental and behavioral health consequences of sexual abuse can be devastating. Rates of depression, PTSD, substance abuse and suicide are all significantly higher for victims of child sexual assault. A child’s trauma is compounded if a trusted adult denies or minimizes the abuse.
To protect their child, parents don’t need to immediately believe every word they say — though certainly that would be better. But they need to report the abuse, separate their child from the offender and suspend their own disbelief through the course of an investigation.
Often, those actions alone give parents the time they need to process and accept the reality of what happened. But there are other common pitfalls that may hinder a parent from supporting a child, even after the psychological shock has passed. It’s important for every parent and child advocate to be aware of these barriers and work to overcome them.
If the offender is the primary breadwinner in the family, for example, the non-offending parent may panic over housing and financial stability. This is especially true in circumstances where the parent lacks a solid support system or extended family nearby. Can they rely on friends or family for emotional and material support? Or are they dependent on their child’s abuser?
Often, concerns about public image arise. Allegations of child sex abuse require criminal investigation, medical care, intervention from social services and more. A non-offending parent may worry at the prospect of losing their social and professional circles.
Experiencing child sexual abuse is a devastating trauma. And while a parent experiences their own form of psychological trauma and shock upon learning their child was sexually abused, the obligation to protect their child must always come first. The good news is that help is available for families navigating this excruciating time.
Experts working at Children’s Justice Centers nationwide play a pivotal role in ensuring that abused children and their caregivers receive the support they need. Professionals at these centers provide logistical support — like therapy, medical care and liaising with police — but also practical advice, like how to get the offender removed from the home and how to tell family, friends or teachers about what happened.
Staff at these centers help a parent process and accept the truth of a child’s disclosure. The confirmation from independent experts — the affirmation that, “yes, there is evidence here” — can make a real difference to help parents come to terms with their family’s new reality.
According to the CDC, an estimated one in four girls and one in 20 boys experience child sexual abuse. Its prevalence is generally believed to be much higher than official statistics indicate because children often wait years to report the abuse. While the abuse is ongoing, they may fear getting into trouble, blame themselves for it or fear retaliation if they tell. One study found that as many as one in five victims never disclose their abuse.
About 30% of victims have been sexually abused by a family member, while roughly 90% know their abuser in some way. Parents everywhere should take note, listen and learn.
A child’s disclosure of abuse is shocking, disturbing and life-changing. But supporting your child from the start is always the right thing to do.
Teresa Huizar is the CEO of National Children’s Alliance (nationalchildrensalliance.org), America’s largest network of care centers for child abuse victims.